the third party is not a party: no one is invited

“You throw stones, falling in my silence they become flowers.”
-Siddharta Gautama (Buddha)

In the earliest disciplines, men were always chosen to lead the path. Adam was made before Eve, and the apostles of Christ were all male. Boy bands topped the billboard charts first before the ladies decided to get spicy.

This is because men are equipped with logic, reason and the physical attributes to do the job. Not in underestimation of women, it is said that men does a lot of thinking before their decisions are made. I believed so.

the reason rationale
Behind men are two powerful set of reasons to guide them. The “internal reason” which is one’s own subjective and motivational set, like commitments, desires, goals, etc. and the “external reason” which is independent of one’s own subjective motivational set, like opportunity, chance and timing. Most of the time, only one reason prevails, so the conspiracy of both reasons will lead to an apparently valid reason, and valid reasons can sometimes lead to actions that hurt the ones they love.

The cheesy and over reacting me struggles to be as rational as I can. Therefore, I have sought answers from men of different races. First, I asked Agus from our department’s Indonesian team. (In fairness to the men that who answered me, I asked them their opinion and it does not necessarily have to be from a personal experience – even though they have. ;-D)


“Why do men like to have another girlfriend or third party even if they already have a girlfriend?”

The answers were a few, but honestly he said, “Because the girlfriend cannot give as much as the third party can, or maybe the other is more beautiful, gives him more freedom and he is more comfortable with the third party.”

That’s acceptable, so I made a follow up. “Then why not leave your girlfriend completely and go with the other one? Why do some guys hold on to their girlfriend while having another one?”

And pop goes the weasel!

“It’s because he still wants some back up, and is not so sure about the third party.”

Hey, what a Boy Scout! One of the many scouting lessons in developing a man’s character is to be prepared at all times. When driving out of town, there should be a spare tire lodged in the compartment, or when camping out, one should bring an extra canister of water. Does this include having an extra girl when you feel like the other is not performing so well?

Still, if we base this on the rationale of man’s reasoning as stated above, my last statement is not even argumentative. It is a fallacy.

the logic magic
If it does simple reasoning does not work, try logic. This time, it’s more philosophical. Shi Long from Chinese team presented Miss A and Miss B. Ugh, men! It is with you that the excellence of thought was patterned. Giving him the same questionnaire, the replies were scholastic.


“Why not leave A, if you like B more than A?”

“Many reasons, maybe A likes you more than B does.”

Iin my conclusion, if you have them both you have the best of both worlds – the one who loves you and the one you love. With this and Shi Long, I got no less than an agreement.

Quoted from Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters), “the one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same.” Everyone has a different beliefs. Maybe some have seen an invisible monster in the other girl which made the other one an angel. My ground would always be, I can love you and I can be loved by you just the same.

the ego to go
Psychology is not an all knowing science. Yet, it seeks to explain to give the heart a place to rest. In the structural model of the psyche the ego is the reality principle – wherein it seeks to please the id’s drive in realistic ways that will give long term benefits rather than grief.

Ego, since time immemorial has been attached to a man’s character. Whether he may be egoistic or egotistical, it is a point of view wherein the focus is the “I” or self. Contrary to its root word’s definition, the results of being egoistic or egotistical breeds one to look inwardly at all times and will impair the ability to be considerate about others.

In my conversation with Dat from the Vietnam team. One of the possible reasons that lead men to settle on a tree branch for a little while, is the transitory pleasure of the instinct.

“Why not leave the other one?”


“it may be that he still loves his girlfriend. He just wants to have a new feeling, maybe short time.”

I wanted to ask, “How short is short time? And how many short times in a lifetime? And what can be done to prevent these short times?” In defense of his comrades, Dat had some follow up information: “because man is different from woman…sometimes they use another thing…hehe!”

My questions about the short time issue are now having a bit of a resolution. Since it caused a lot of heartbreaks already, better cut off that “another thing” that Dat was talking about. Can? Can!

the party isn’t over ‘til its over
Sometimes, our heart’s skip a beat. When mine made a big leap, it almost fell out from my chest. I knew he was with her. Ignorance is a bliss, but at that moment, I was not blissfully blessed. Perhaps it was intuition, or maybe it is the consciousness that I have put aside for a long time. I thought it was too rusty to work, but it was more than accurate. It was the day the sun died twice – not sooner than after lunch.

The justifications that I got from Agus, Shi Long and Dat, I got all from one man. How can I attack a man armed with reason, logic and ego when I am already hurting? It is self humiliating to lose a battle you didn’t know it even started. All you can do is call out for a cease fire.

and silence.

Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. It is the weak who are not capable to do so. Love has given me enough strength. Honestly, it is futile for me to sulk in rage and hatred because even if I ran amuck, I will melt with one big hug.

Whether or not the third party is over as of the very time that I am writing this article, I could only care less. With the testimonies of the men around me, I know that their reason for having her is not as priceless as his reason for having me.

She is there for a back up, an outlet and hopefully, for a short time.

I am quite consoled. Are you?