at war with freedom

You say you'll change the constitution
Well, you know
We all want to change your head
You tell me it's the institution
Well, you know
You better free you mind instead
-Revolution, The Beatles, August 1968

Long before I was born, people already fight for “freedom”. Many in the history books since grade school, we are required to read how a particular war came to be and how freedom is gained through violence. Yes, many have I studied and in my life, I too, had little wars to battle.

My dad is a big fan of war themed motion pictures - from men fighting in their g-strings and bow and arrows, bayonets and rotating M-16s. He is a Judo-Karate third Dan Black belter and a collector of hand guns. He would bring us to an open field and teach us – his girls – to fire one of his weapons. When we call home nowadays and asks for him, mom would say he could not be disturbed because he is still in meditation doing the Kata war dance. Perhaps, because of this, our house has three kinds of locks on the main door and other security devices installed. He said those measures are necessary so as to be always ready for any war at bay. If there’s fire inside and dad isn’t home, we sure would be toasted!

Yesterday there was a shoot out just a few steps from my apartment. My cousin who was there at the time took photos and posted it on Facebook a few minutes after it happened. There was a pool of blood on the road and I imagine walking by it on my way home later that night. The slain bodies of two hold-up gangmen laid there until after 9pm. Those robbers struggled for their freedom, but in a subdivision inhabitated by retired and inactive military officers, they got themselves voluntarily to the slaughterhouse. Good thing their bodies were taken right before my coming home time.

All these violence, for “FREEDOM”. It just so costly.

But what is freedom? Is it ultimate? Is it subjective? What does it breed? Chaos or peace? Is it theoretical? How practicable is it? These may be dormant questions, but when you begin to think about saving for your children’s future, it could be just as bothersome.

in the name of the law – freedom is a right
“No person shall be deprived of life, liberty, or property without due process of law, nor shall any person be denied the equal protection of the laws.” –The Philippine Constitution, Art.III (Bill of Rights), Sec. 1

How ironic it is that there is a law to ensure freedom and this was fought for – by the legislators who were hopeful about the changing times. I am glad that as a Filipino, I am encompassed by such.

In other countries, they too have their own lawful scope and view of freedom. When I travel to other places, I have to make sure that my moves are within the range of my right as a visitor in their land. Therefore, my so-called freedom shrinks the farther I get away from Philippine jurisdiction.

in the name of nature – freedom is survival
“You are my butterfly and refuse to set you free.”
-Shannon Hale

For its species to thrive, the butterfly’s metamorphosis has to be completed for it to be able to spread its wings to survive. Its wings gives it the capacity to get away from its predator, in as much as it gives it the freedom to choose where to go. In the animal kingdom where we all live, we could not discount ourselves that we need freedom to be able to flourish.

Naturally, we are born to struggle and fight for that freedom. Along the way, we have to kill and flee from predators to secure ourselves.

in the name of love – freedom is slavery
“Man has the urge to seek a source of authority and control upon reaching a freedom that was thought to be an individual’s true desire.”
-Erich Fromm, Escape from Freedom

In his most debated work, Erich From cited that although we are free, there is an innate need in us to be enslaved by someone else, therefore we seek to belong. There is no more oppressing feeling than the feeling of isolation and loneliness.

Given this theory, could it justify why we stay in relationships even though sometimes it hurts?

I began to imagine myself without him. I can go through every boutique in the mall without anybody telling me, “There’s nothing we need there, Honey…” I can go to an all night karaoke with my girlfriends without feeling guilty. I can post sexy profile pictures on FB, FS, MS, Orkut and etc. I can sleep late and even gulp Maggi Savor when I want to.

With all these freedom debates and other mind boggling questions, all I want is to go home and watch a good movie, listen to some Norah Jones or talk about it over coffee with someone.

Again, I began to imagine myself without him: Free and having coffee alone. I can’t.

All these compromises to escape freedom. It is just priceless.

no reservations

"I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most.
After three I am under the table,
after four I'm under my host."

-Dorothy Parker

People rush during Christmas sale. It is the busiest season in the world. Kids drool at the thought of Santa’s sleigh full of yummy goodies and toys. Reunions here, there and everywhere and of course, the gleeful carols. This is his favorite holiday.

Many mistake it as mine, too. I have a Facebook survey, questioning how much people on my friends’ list know me. I asked if they know my favorite holiday and if I remember it right, it was only my sister who knew that my favorite day is Valentine’s day. Majority said that I love Christmas. Yes, I too, I enjoy Christmas.

Although the day has direct connection with Saint Valentine having his feast day on the same date, both highlights love as the driving force for man to live. That is why in my heart of hearts, nothing beats the enchantment of Valentine’s Day.

When I saw the tent floating on the lake, I asked the resort attendant of that table is reserved for someone. As he answered yes, I knew it wasn’t for us. When I saw the lovers approaching their reserved floating table on a kayak, I wanted to get an eraser and take them off the scene.

There I was whining on the pool’s bar with my back on him, while he was making a conversation happen between us. He knew I wanted that table the moment I asked the attendant how much it costs to have something like that set up. Finally, I gave up staring at the now occupied table and asked for both of us to leave the premises before I could do more damage to my brain with my silence and almost falling tears.

How can I give justice to my flip out coiffeur? My eyeshadow would definitely be highlighted with a candle light as it matches my dress. We went all over the city for a table for two, but most people are out for occasional dinner…and there was none. The last flicker of hope died when he suggested my hated fast food chain’s take out!

I could speak no more.

How could I not understand? All week he had work. With his new boss around he had to compel with all that is required. He already told me beforehand of his lack of preparation for this event and he is just naturally, the not-so-sweet guy. But of course, dialing a dainty restaurant for a reservation wouldn’t take much. I felt guilty for my unsaid demands.

As if it was meant to be, we went back to the resort’s coffee shop. A waiter led us to a table, with rose petals, crystal goblets and wine glasses. Before the Tiger Prawns were laid down, I was already swarming him with all the hugs and kisses in the world!

Just as it is, Valentine’s day is reserved for me.

Gong Xi Fa Cai!

partnership and pockets of wisdom

When we were touring old Manila two weeks ago, we were planning on a trip to either Singapore or Malaysia on the third quarter of the year. I began scouting for promo fares. My travel wiz Rhea is already on standby mode just in case I need the tickets to be booked.

Now, here's comes anxiety attack.

There goes the anxiety of providing for the future family - the children's educational funds, the house mortgage and other contingencies. When he began to speak about it, I know it's goodbye Singapore or Malaysia anniversary honeymoon. LOL!

Do men always go through this stuff? What time of the month does this usually happen, so I can schedule the events before the attack. Tsk, tsk, tsk.

In times like this, there is a story I remember, somewhere from Paulo Coelho's Warrior of the Light (I hope I remembered it right):

A disciple remarked to Rabbi Bounam from Pssiskhe:

“The material world seems to suffocate the spiritual world.”

“Your pants have two pockets,” said Bounam. “Jot down this sentence and put it in the right pocket: ‘The world was created only for me.’ Now write in the left pocket: ‘I am nothing but dust and ashes.”


“Divide your money between the pockets. When you come upon misery and injustice, remember that the world exists only so that you can show your kindness, and use the money in the right pocket.

When you are tempted to buy things that you haven’t the least need for, remember what is written in your left pocket and think twice before spending it. In that way the material world will never suffocate the spiritual world.”

So I say,

“Honey, your pants have two pockets. Jot down this sentence and put it in the right pocket: ‘I will provide for my family’. Now write in the left pocket: ‘We will have a trip...then divide your money between the pockets...”

I also have two pockets and my cash already divided. ;-)

justify the beauty in the beast: the third party goer's replies

Seeking all sides, I have to get into another’s shoes. It may not fit me perfectly, but surely somewhere along we feel the same way, because we all love. This time, here’s from the viewpoint of the third party-goers. Yes, they were not invited, but that does not mean, they have nothing to say. These are the pieces in trilogy:

gonna write a classic
(it was over, but no regrets)

The one ending of an illicit affair that everybody had been waiting for. a broken heart with an uncertain future. Bitter of everything and everyone – as they rejoice and celebrate my defeat.

It happened to me. It turned out to be the most hideous and promiscuous thing that I have ever done, not to consider the least Catholic. But how can I be somebody else’s mistress?

A perfect question, with no perfect answer. Most think that it could not happen. It must not happen. But it did. And with the consequences of loosing my heart and beginning to be disillusioned by love, I get knocked down.

It is tiring to fight for what is yours. How much more if you fight for what is not yours? Exhausting. The effort wouldn’t take any part…and chances are just a stroke of luck. And there isn’t a lot like that that in the world. If there is a real luck for sale, I wouldn’t ask for wealth or fame. You know exactly what it is.

I have been wrapped by tradition. All my life, living by the dictates of morality and getting by life the ‘normal’ and conventional way. The matters of the heart are the least of my concern…especially when I was brought up learning how to count cash first, than getting in touch with my feelings. it was more of my mind over matters, and it was only late I have discovered that i have such a foolish – very foolish – heart.

Indeed, this one is a classic. For after I weep, there are more to follow. More years thinking about the things that had been and more smiles…for I am still priveleged.

Only the elite can get a chance at love like this.


his wherefore
(he keeps her, she keeps him)

Kept woman. hmnnn…

The idea of such never came to mind until the time I became one. Then, curiosity seeped in. Aside from what is depicted in the movies and read in books, it is always an interesting role to play.

Other’s say that being a mistress is synonymous to prostitution. All the while, I thought so too, but hey, – there is a great distinction. both are for sexual lavishes of the man, but being a kept woman, she has EXCLUSIVITY. The man provides for his mistress in the same way as he provides for his wife. Sometimes, even more.

In the modern times, this is not always the case. She is most likely to have a job and is financially independent from the man. The tightening of morality, has in fact, created a greater desire for a man to have a mistress.

Over history, the nobles kept their women hidden from the public and denied to their legal wife. Mostly, these women with whom they spend borrowed moments with, are the ones where they experience real love. It is with her that he experiences how it is to live life without inhibitions.

Wholeheartedly, I have assumed the role. Gradually embracing the responsibilities, it is an honor every time he stands by my doorstep and enters my turf. From that moment on, he is no one else’s but MINE.


i am the other woman
(her letter to her)

I hate you.

But you hate me more. I cannot blame you for despising even just the mere mention of my name. And i do not dare mention yours, either. Our rage for each other is mutual. Both our pride and envy eats our guts to face the truth that we cannot have him totally for ourselves.

You exhausted all your means to communicate with me. You have even used the foulest language a woman could speak. You speak ill of me to your friends and others who didn’t even know who i am. You introduced me to them as the other woman, and yourself as the rightful owner.

Sadly, I dispute your claim. “Una ka lang niyang nakilala…(He just met you first…)”, but he is still at the liberty to choose who to love and be with. You may be committed with each other, but haven’t you noticed the empty ‘I-love-you’s’? You only hear the things you want to hear and you never heard what he is not saying.

Being the other woman has never been my ambition in life. I am now. The moment that I decided to accept this fate, I can already feel your pain. (Not all mistresses are heartless, my dear.) It is torture. I feel the hurt, yours, his, and mine. That is too much to bear at times, and I resort to the same illusion as you have. I, too, pretend that you don’t exist. But we both exist. And we hate each other for that. We both love him, though – each in our own ways. Whether or not I will get the same fair share of loving, I do not demand. I will be content of whatever he could give, with all honesty. I prefer this, than seeming to have all that is only apparent.

You brag about your victory, of how you toppled my over with humiliation and defamation. Go ahead. You have all the right to do that. I understand because I accept my faults. How about you?

For now, you can claim the public.

I will savor my private glory.


******
reposted from one of my oldest blog, published in September 2007

the third party is not a party: no one is invited

“You throw stones, falling in my silence they become flowers.”
-Siddharta Gautama (Buddha)

In the earliest disciplines, men were always chosen to lead the path. Adam was made before Eve, and the apostles of Christ were all male. Boy bands topped the billboard charts first before the ladies decided to get spicy.

This is because men are equipped with logic, reason and the physical attributes to do the job. Not in underestimation of women, it is said that men does a lot of thinking before their decisions are made. I believed so.

the reason rationale
Behind men are two powerful set of reasons to guide them. The “internal reason” which is one’s own subjective and motivational set, like commitments, desires, goals, etc. and the “external reason” which is independent of one’s own subjective motivational set, like opportunity, chance and timing. Most of the time, only one reason prevails, so the conspiracy of both reasons will lead to an apparently valid reason, and valid reasons can sometimes lead to actions that hurt the ones they love.

The cheesy and over reacting me struggles to be as rational as I can. Therefore, I have sought answers from men of different races. First, I asked Agus from our department’s Indonesian team. (In fairness to the men that who answered me, I asked them their opinion and it does not necessarily have to be from a personal experience – even though they have. ;-D)


“Why do men like to have another girlfriend or third party even if they already have a girlfriend?”

The answers were a few, but honestly he said, “Because the girlfriend cannot give as much as the third party can, or maybe the other is more beautiful, gives him more freedom and he is more comfortable with the third party.”

That’s acceptable, so I made a follow up. “Then why not leave your girlfriend completely and go with the other one? Why do some guys hold on to their girlfriend while having another one?”

And pop goes the weasel!

“It’s because he still wants some back up, and is not so sure about the third party.”

Hey, what a Boy Scout! One of the many scouting lessons in developing a man’s character is to be prepared at all times. When driving out of town, there should be a spare tire lodged in the compartment, or when camping out, one should bring an extra canister of water. Does this include having an extra girl when you feel like the other is not performing so well?

Still, if we base this on the rationale of man’s reasoning as stated above, my last statement is not even argumentative. It is a fallacy.

the logic magic
If it does simple reasoning does not work, try logic. This time, it’s more philosophical. Shi Long from Chinese team presented Miss A and Miss B. Ugh, men! It is with you that the excellence of thought was patterned. Giving him the same questionnaire, the replies were scholastic.


“Why not leave A, if you like B more than A?”

“Many reasons, maybe A likes you more than B does.”

Iin my conclusion, if you have them both you have the best of both worlds – the one who loves you and the one you love. With this and Shi Long, I got no less than an agreement.

Quoted from Chuck Palahniuk (Invisible Monsters), “the one you love and the one who loves you are never, ever the same.” Everyone has a different beliefs. Maybe some have seen an invisible monster in the other girl which made the other one an angel. My ground would always be, I can love you and I can be loved by you just the same.

the ego to go
Psychology is not an all knowing science. Yet, it seeks to explain to give the heart a place to rest. In the structural model of the psyche the ego is the reality principle – wherein it seeks to please the id’s drive in realistic ways that will give long term benefits rather than grief.

Ego, since time immemorial has been attached to a man’s character. Whether he may be egoistic or egotistical, it is a point of view wherein the focus is the “I” or self. Contrary to its root word’s definition, the results of being egoistic or egotistical breeds one to look inwardly at all times and will impair the ability to be considerate about others.

In my conversation with Dat from the Vietnam team. One of the possible reasons that lead men to settle on a tree branch for a little while, is the transitory pleasure of the instinct.

“Why not leave the other one?”


“it may be that he still loves his girlfriend. He just wants to have a new feeling, maybe short time.”

I wanted to ask, “How short is short time? And how many short times in a lifetime? And what can be done to prevent these short times?” In defense of his comrades, Dat had some follow up information: “because man is different from woman…sometimes they use another thing…hehe!”

My questions about the short time issue are now having a bit of a resolution. Since it caused a lot of heartbreaks already, better cut off that “another thing” that Dat was talking about. Can? Can!

the party isn’t over ‘til its over
Sometimes, our heart’s skip a beat. When mine made a big leap, it almost fell out from my chest. I knew he was with her. Ignorance is a bliss, but at that moment, I was not blissfully blessed. Perhaps it was intuition, or maybe it is the consciousness that I have put aside for a long time. I thought it was too rusty to work, but it was more than accurate. It was the day the sun died twice – not sooner than after lunch.

The justifications that I got from Agus, Shi Long and Dat, I got all from one man. How can I attack a man armed with reason, logic and ego when I am already hurting? It is self humiliating to lose a battle you didn’t know it even started. All you can do is call out for a cease fire.

and silence.

Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong. It is the weak who are not capable to do so. Love has given me enough strength. Honestly, it is futile for me to sulk in rage and hatred because even if I ran amuck, I will melt with one big hug.

Whether or not the third party is over as of the very time that I am writing this article, I could only care less. With the testimonies of the men around me, I know that their reason for having her is not as priceless as his reason for having me.

She is there for a back up, an outlet and hopefully, for a short time.

I am quite consoled. Are you?

yes, stereotypical

I have lost trust with the Yahoo email system when one of the longest running email accounts that I have got hacked and they cannot do anything to fix it. I gave it another chance by opening another account with safer settings, unfortunately some important messages are not able to go through, for reasons I don’t know. The first time I switched to Gmail, I had all the pleasures, and now, I can not even get to the main page. I need my mails. I has worked wonders for me since the time I overcame the guilt of switching, but why hang on me now? I do not wish to switch again, so please, be good tomorrow.

****

First time I heard the news was from Ram. Then, when I came to work today, Pam, my trainee told me of the bugging news that a certain research was made and that, call center employees contribute to the most number of HIV positive cases in the country, due to their casual sexual activities. A motto was even coined for these people, You want? Let’s go!” My heart cries loud UNFAIR!
I searched online for the hitting topic and found out how some people could be so irresponsible. I may only have practiced campus journalism, but it has taught me the ideals of freedom and the responsibilities that come along with it.

More than half a decade now, I am in the BPO business. It was only six months ago that I left the call center, went into mining industry and now back to BPO – Online gaming and casino. I have gone through those wee hour shifts and those off town team buildings. I had to handle stressful billing disputes as well as internal and external Quality Assurance evaluations. I was trained and have trained others to become like me – a call center employee.

Now, we are under public scrutiny because of the immoral implication that some articles has brought about.

We pay our taxes promptly and honestly and this is what we get. Tsk. Tsk. Tsk.

Still, I am a proud once-call-center employee. I have just had my PCu last January in preparation for my next exit from PH. I may not be afflicted, but I yes, I am affected.

Click on this link:
http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/lifestyle/01/27/10/hiv-cases-soar-among-filipino-yuppies-call-center-workers