getting mad at alex

I am torn between another episode of the Secret Diary of a Call Girl and heading to the shower to get myself ready for work. I cannot choose between the two evils, therefore, I write.

Billie Piper as Belle de Jour

In the last two episodes that I have seen, it's all about how a woman loves a man and how he decides to leave her in the end. Isn't there somewhere a point where a man is capable of the deed called "compromise"? They just do things that you would fall for and just let you...fall. That's it.

Apparently, there are so many things that they can do to lure women to the trap. She gets tangled with the little display of affection and his huge need. They have the tendency to project that they need  partners - in the real sense of the word - - - and women don't? Well maybe not as much as they do. As always, they can be excused.

How easy it is for them to find faults and all the ways to leave. May it be ego, politics or religion, all seem to be a valid reason to say goodbye and some do not even take a glance back at the dream that they have shattered.

All these seem unfair, but purposely I guess, that's what we are made for. The victory is in picking it up altogether...again.

the crank attack

Grumpy me-ow!!!

What's the crank all about?

I do not know exactly how and what part of the day made me start being cranky.  Is it because I wanted Jamie to be firm in her decision making and get the task back to those who were described to do the task? Whatever she decides to do, it has nothing to do with me anyway, so why do I fret? Or is it because my passport still remains at large? Have I lost faith in people and in my prayers already? This can't be happening.

Cynicism is not for me to embrace. It all starts from being cranky and the next stage to that is being numb. Nothing and no one around me was able to escape my criticisms...not even Sandra's MSN status message. She got some lashing from me for her bad English. In return for being such a bad girl, my MP3player broke down!

I want to go home now...and have a nice sleep. =(

bloodbath

TEAM UNBEATABLE.

"There is sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power. They are the messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love." - Washington Irving

Already on my last leg of Criminal Minds', I am four episodes away from the completion of Season 5. The next season will be aired on 22nd of September and it will take a while before I have a compilation again. Over the weekend, I was expecting bloodbath and a lot of trips inside the minds psychopaths. I never expected this season to be a tear-jerker. Its not about how they end up to be criminals, but sifting through the manner of their victims' death, there is a great yearning to be loved and understood.

What makes a psychopath? For behavioral analysts, it is shown in the manner how the predator devours the prey. As it is synonymous to antisocial personality disorder, it is characterized by narcissism, hedonism and displays histrionic behavior. Least have I known in my study of Psychology that psychopathy could be to one's advantage, too. Those who belong to Factor 1 has been correlated with narcissistic personality disorder, low anxiety, low empathy, low stress reaction and low suicide risk but high scores on scales of achievement and well-being. (Glad to know this!) Those who belong to Factor 2 are the ones displaying socially deviant behaviors. Psychopathy is not a stand alone disorder. At most times, it is accompanied by another one or two more personality disorders which makes it tricky enough to diagnose.

Set to be within the realm of FBI's Behavioral Analysis Unit, Criminal Minds focuses more on profiling and victimology. Relevant series CSI and NCIS focus more on forensics and physical evidence. CM concentrates on the intangible evidences and predictive behavior. More than team spirit, loyalty and ingenuity, the characters are purposely exceeding the expectations of their roles for every episode. For sure, there are a lot more to expect with Season 6.

Major perk: SSA Derek Morgan is just h-o-t! =)

when you drop it like its hot

I dropped my stress ball and it rolled under my bed! I hate it when I drop things these days. Picking them up ain’t easy anymore. My spine attempts to snap with every bend. With my growing belly and never ending backaches, who would love to keep on stooping? My toes are even starting to disappear.

There are just some things in my life that I wish I didn’t drop – ‘coz it ain’t easy picking them up at all. There is a snap at every bend. Much more than that, there are mortalities. Some of them I cannot bring back to life, not in any form. Counting on the things that I have lost, it makes me feel so undeserving of the things that I have found along the way. Getting my way out of this confusion is a journey that I wish I could step into the light upon its culmination, without seeing heaven.

Like the morning begins the day, there are always new things to be found to compensate on the things that one has dropped and lost. If it rolled under some bed, there’s always a way to get it out of there. If there are no other ways, then there are other opportunities.

In college, I dropped a five-unit Chemistry class to make more time for campus journalism.I end up blogging.

=)

not a practical magic

Not because of the magic, spells and encantations that I am having a re-run of a 12 year old flick, Practical Magic. For some unknown reason, I am not able to play Faith Hill’s “This Kiss” on my player and I just feel like listening to even just a sound clip of it. Hanging around for halfway the movie made me realize that it’s not just the song… I missed my all time favorite. I missed hanging around with two gorgeous witches – Sal and Jilly Bean…

Sally said that she wished to fall in love with a man who’s got one eye green and the other blue. Such a man is less likely to exist. What does a little country girl know about genetics, anyway? If that man does not exist, therefore, she will not fall in love and die of a broken heart.

Just like her, “I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.”

Yet, there isn’t any safe side. Time will roll and the world will never stand still just to be a spectator to a love affair. If it did, then, time and the world has long stopped ticking and revolving. And so will love. - for it evolves with the world and it copes with changes. Just as I once loved only me, then him, then we.

And the most practical amongst the magic, is that: when I get tired of loving one day, there will be warm little embraces telling me, “Mommy, it’s gonna be okay.”

donut trail on a birthday morning

On my way home from my morning walk at the nearby “talipapa”, I have noticed a trail of chewed donut bits . Some friendly flies are starting to swarm over the goodies. It is another obstacle to stay out of their way. Steps ahead I saw the little boy leaving the trail with his mom who seems to be oblivious of his wasting of food.  Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Ahhh…kids.

In less than 16 weeks, I will have mine. Anxiety is beginning to take its toll. Will childbirth be as laborious as I have heard from others? Or is it because I cannot impose discipline on a newborn? Or is this a prelude of PPD called pre-natal blues? Whatever it is, I need to blurt it out. Thank heavens I got a venture project for today – to try my luck in making my own Pancit Lucban. The control freak is taking over.

I got to change figures with my age once again. Adding up an age is something that one cannot assign to colleagues or subordinates. Uh-uh can’t run, much more can’t hide. Hmmmnn… I am not anxious about getting a year older, anyway. All of us will get there. Some just gets there sooner than the others, though. I have a full life ahead. Soon to complete my purpose of being a woman, I have never been excited in all my life. What I am as a person could partly be made know to the world in the kind of children I will bring up to this world.

Some family and friends have already sent out their birthday wishes and greetings that I have received and I thank them much for their thoughtfulness. I have realized the gifts that I have not in figures that or the places that I have been to, but with the hearts that still deem me a part of theirs in one way or another.

This is just another morning when the absence of a long coveted embrace is still missing. Hot pan de sal and great love songs will do. I have started yet another day. Just like the other days, this too will end in 24 hours.

Then, there is always tomorrow to look forward to.

digging blaise

There were times when literature is the only way - the only consolation to ten hours of being isolated on the 51st floor when the rest of the country is on a holiday. Most of all, in these times, the records of literature is all there is:

"And if one loves me for my judgement, memory, he does not love me, for I can lose these qualities without losing myself.

Where, then, is this love, if it be neither in the body nor in the soul?

And how love the body or the soul, except for these qualities which do not constitute me, since they are perishable?

For it is impossible and would be unjust to love the soul of a person in the abstract and whatever qualities might be therein.

We never, then, love a person, but only qualities.



Let us, then, jeer no more at those who are honoured on account of rank and office;

for we love a person only on account of borrowed qualities."

— Blaise Pascal (Pensées)

don't take away the biggest part of me

If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me

Oh, No please don't go

And if you leave me now, you'll take away the very heart of me

Oh, No please don't go

A love like ours is love that's hard to find

How could we let it slip away?

We've come too far to leave it all behind

How could we end it all this way?

When tomorrow comes and we'll both regret things we said today

A love like ours is love that's hard to find

How could we let it slip away?

We've come too far to leave it all behind

How could we end it all this way?

When tomorrow comes and we'll both regret things we said today

If you leave me now, you'll take away the biggest part of me

Please don't go

glory without the crown =(

Insecurity + Impulse + Action = Bad hair.

Even if I scream and whine at the most expensive salon's door, no stylist would give me a rebond. Not even digital curls. No more hair spa, not even a steam. It would be an unwise move for any hair professional to even open the doors for me, just as I insisted for a hair spa last Saturday. My purpose? To let the curls out, but the long years of rebonding has made my hair more sensitive and it reacted differerently to the steam's heat. The moment I mentioned the services I wanted , there was resistance on the hair spa part, but I insisted with a promise of a really fat tip when all is done. I went out of the salon feeling "cute".

Yet, my crowning glory was transitory. Came the moment of truth after 24 hours when water washed away the conditioner that held the shine, moist and curls. It was like my scalp underwent ten years of drought that moisture was totally lost and each strand has a different world than the others. This morning, I tried all rescue moves with a strong hold mousse and hair curler, but to no avail. I have come to terms that I am going to live more than 365 bad hair days.

I bowed and prayed resentfully for the many insecurities that I have had. Bad hair and bloated, feeling overweight, shoes one size larger than normal, clothes rather too fit or would never fit at all anymore, alone and so un-loved...and so jealous!!! I was not able to hold it that I acted upon impulse. I have considered myself at the ugliest state, when I am supposed to feel blessed and beautiful. I, then, made a bargain with the Lord that if I may not be at the best shape, for as long as my baby is, I will battle myself and I will look forward to post-natal depression with glee.

The impulse for a strong shot of espresso has long been healed. Shopping in times like these would only lead to mourning over the stilletos that I cannot wear, and maternity clothes are such big no-no's! They would just make me look like a molested child. What plays to ease my mind is the thought of Disneyland and the scent of summer in HongKong.

Sigh! Haven't I just mentioned about battling myself???

I'd settle for a great big hug. =)

home making

Few years after, I am back to the "normal people" shift. I could'nt even remember the last time I worked on real working hours. It must be during the time I was teaching preschool and that was a little over five years ago. I don't understand the kind of excitement that swept me over when I woke up this morning. Was it the thought of good breakfast? I usually have the impulse to read even just a few pages, but not this time. There are a lot of things that come and go inside my head, only one stays - coming home. 

Do I even know where home is? Aside from my little street not mapped in Google, I have just recently talked to the elders of my family. I felt that if I go back home where I grew up, it will no longer be the same. There's still room for visits, but not for habitation as most adults in families best not see each other on a daily basis. With another life growing in me, I have to take charge of my life now.  I cannot just go back home, instead, I have to make my kid a home.

When Hope and I were chatting online, she asked "What if Mom didn't leave us before, do you think we would be closer to her now?" Dad wasn't there too, but why can we tell him how we feel in a better way? Don't you think Mom is missing something, or are we missing something? We thought about putting ourselves into Mom's shoes.

Since time immemorial, she had been a career woman - something which discouraged our Dad instead of making him responsible. When Mom was taking too much space in the corporate world and his disinterest in his profession, he left all the money-making to Mom, thus, having her to leave us to the care of our grands and nannies. There were times we wished to be home from school with a mother waiting by the door to lead us to the table with delicious snacks. That never happened because when we were old enough, we were sent to boarding school in the care of the nuns. They were sisters, not mothers.

It dawned into me that after a two-month maternity leave from work, who am I going to leave my kid to? Of course, I would hire a nanny, then put on a webcam in every corner of my little apartment and have it broadcasted online so that I can keep watch even if I am at work. You just can't trust anyone with your kid at this point in time. (Am I being too mommy-like already?)

For sure, if such technological amenities were available, Mom could have done the same. Still, I would like to come home to her for a visit, and how I want to share with her the kind of loving home that I am working out for my forming family - that home is always where the heart is.

(Photo courtesy of Ali A. Alsaffar. Thank you for sharing the photo of the loves of your life for the world to see. You have an amazing eye for beauty.)