i don't love you ain't easy

"You can't force love, I realized. It's there or it isn't. If it's not there, you've got to be able to admit it. If it is there, you've got to do whatever it takes to protect the ones you love."
— Richelle Mead

For many things that I have read about, this is the truest.

I sleep late. When I sleep earlier than 22:00 hrs, the tendency is that, I am awaken by the silence of the wee hours. Reading until my eyes grew really tired has become a habit. It works for me, with the exeption of last night.

Siblings always have this weird connection with each other, I believe. I know that right now, my sister is in battle with her emotions. In our recent chats, she told me that she wanted to get out of her marriage. For so long now, I know she does. She told me that she had fallen out of love for her husband. The problem: two adorable boys.

When we were younger, I have heard mom and dad argue many times. Some of them aren't even arguments at all. They were fights. At one time, I asked mom to leave dad. So cruel for a nine-year old me to say, but as I can see, their relationship is no longer working out. Mom could have taken her chance when she had the opporunity. Yet, the pride of keeping a family no matter what was too much that she would rather live with someone she does not even like anymore.

Social dictates and the kids. Those were always the reasons, when they shouldn't be. Of course no man is an island, but feigning love to keep situations socially acceptable is living a life of imprisonment. What authority do I have to say this? Been trapped and I know exactly how it feels like.

The decision to break free is never easy. Yet, it is how we are supposed to live. Whether or not people will agree with me on this, but once you cannot find love where you are anymore, find it. Break a heart and free yourself.

being boss

What could be worse than a leaking shower, that you have been trying to put up for a few weeks already? The only alibi your landlord could give is the water pressure in the area and the dripping would end when summer comes. Does that mean I have to wait for drought? Others pray for it not to come and I am forced to invoke El Niño?!?

And yes, one of the things that can beat the hype of a leaking shower is opening your company email with a goodbye message from a suddenly resigning boss. :-(

Sometimes, bosses do that. Just leave and move on. I remember Ram's boss leaving their company recently. With the company mergers, some positions are redundant, therefore some people were offered to leave their posts (thanks Joy, for the enlightenment on these matters). They know exactly what to do next. Maybe that is why they became bosses.

What I am left now are not problems. Instead, I see them as options. For my own change and development. Soon, I am looking forward to leaving again. Pursuing my dream of stability. Just like the bosses, I too, would know where to go.

Bye, Lih Pin. It was a pleasure working with you.

i fear your growing up

When I saw my sister online, I had to tell her the good news. I got my Hotmail account back from the hacker virus, and I will be able to go online on both old and new messenger accounts. She, too, had something to share.

She told me that she witnessed a crime...helplessly. The guy seated beside her was stabbed and was beaten by gansgsters. Must be an ongoing gang war, she said. It was an almost full jeepney waiting for more passengers so it can leave the terminal. With the crowd of passengers anxious to get home, aside from getting pickpocketed, everything seemed safe. Yet, you can never tell.

They young man was seated right next to her and was grabbed by the neck out of the jeep. Half of his body was still left beside my sister when one of gangsters stabbed him with some kind of a "samurai". Really gory, and bad thing is, there were no policemen on the site. Of course, my sister ran to find safety and was not able to look back. She didn't even know what happened to that young man who used to sit so peacefully beside her, perhaps thinking of his future. I told her that someone else, had to take care of that. What you have to be thankful for is that, you were not hurt in any way.

As a mother of two adorable boys, she is now faced with a greater fear. I advised her in conclusion, "Train up your boys to be responsible men and pray hard that no violence in the world will harm them. Protect them by getting them equipped with knowledge, wisdom and most of all, love."

For I will do the same.

wolfella and the broken glass slipper

It was not the first fairy tale that I have ever heard from my dad. As I can remember, the first one was Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Amongst those that he tells at night, the primer would always be "Cinderella." I have always been so fond of her and her stepsisters, and of course, the prince who saw her beautiful despite the soot on her face brought about by sleeping by the furnace. (Her name is Ella, but since her dad died, her wicked stepmother casted her out of all the decent bedrooms in the house to sleep with the cinders to keep the fireplace burning during the cold nights.)

According to Wikipedia, the oldest publication record of Cinderella's tale dates back 1634. Because of its worldwide impact and universal theme, many versions followed. When Cinderella stories made it to the cinemas, I had another favorite. In Ever After, Dougray Scott as the Prince and Drew Barrymore played Cinderella in the 1998 version of Charles Perrault's 1729 story. Yes, they lived so happily ever - but how about after?

As a child, I listen to my dad's stories. It was clear to me that his objective is for me to drift to sleep early so he and mom could have their moments together. What he does not know is that I just close my eyes to get rid of him too. When I hear the door shut, there begins my own fairy tale. I would pick up where dad left off. I become Cinderella. All of those, were of course, normal.

On an afternoon before I gave my new trainee KC's assessment for the course that I have just delivered, I asked, "In fairy tales, why are there always dragons to kill and wicked witches or stepmoms to thwart? Why aren't there scenes where the newly crowned princess gets to beat and whip the whore (black and blue until her eyeballs drop!) who tries to steal the affection of the prince? After all, the princess is no longer "the oppressed"?

Will the fairy godmother intervene? Will the prince stop flirting with the damsels of the court? Will there be another feast after the incident? Will the glass slipper land broken on the prince's face? I always wonder about these things when I was five, but I now that I don't wonder about them anymore, they become more real - - - well, not the dragons and the stepmoms, though. I just wish some fairy godmother will intervene before I take the whip and beat the hell out someone's eyeballs.

Yet, fairy tales must end with an "ever-after". It is with reality that Cinderella has transformed into a big bad wolf.

where is my street?

Gregori Street, Pavia, Iloilo, Philippines. Postal Code 5001.

It is the nearest town to the city proper. It is the cradle of my race, the home of my ancestors. For a long time than I have imagined, I was not able to see the amiable street that I have grown up with. I miss the early morning noise. I miss starting my day having coffee with dad and taking the last sip with Grandpa and Grandma from accross the street. I miss my nephews and nieces wrestling with each other on the dirt. Most of all, the exciting after lunch Mahjong sessions with the golden girls.

When my colleague Evan, missed his home in California, he said that he was delivered straight right to his front door by Google Map. Well, I tried the same. I chose the siesta hour so I could see the golden girls by Grandma's terrace having a great game of "mandaranay". the Google Map's search: Gregori Street, Pavia, Iloilo.

Then, I zoomed it in. I looked all over for my street. It is a long stretch of a national road marked by Tigum Bridge to culminate. I thought I was lost. It's a very samll town and I wouldn't miss it for anything. I was once the town's festival queen and I had to study our local geography to ace the interview portion. (Good thing I got questioned about politics and my view on the unpcoming elections.) zoomed to no avail, for the GPS could only take me as close as 100 meters above.

I can see one of the main streets though, marked Lopez Jaena Street. I know Lopez Jaena, but where is my street? I cannot find it. Lopez Jaena was written on behalf of Gregori Street. I do not know if other else are missing, I was not able to check. Finally, I was able to mark my home, and decided to write to Google.

A map is not supposed to miss such a lovely street filled with good old memories. I want it marked as it is. I want it shown - to the world.

he carries her bag!

Been aching to blog this during the weekend! Bad thing though, the USB port's broken and when I got to the office on Monday, there are just a handful to prepare for the new batch of trainees.

The most practiced act of chivalry is man's gentleness to women. It means pulling out the chair for her, opening the door and carrying her luggage. Modern culture is not so kind though. Since the time women fought for their right to suffrage, chivalry half died. Instead of being a duty, it became a chosen necessity. Not anymore as an act of courtly love, but more of an impressing display of strength not to provoke competition.

I have grown fond of my independence. If he cannot pick me up, there is no point in whining and being such a prick. I can always get a cab. Yes, because of chivalry, men have spoiled women. At the stomp of a feet, she can have him running wild. For me it seems like a powerless power. So fleeting, that at his one touch it will go away JUST LIKE THAT.

Most of all, I hate to see men carrying their girl's bag. Not when it is a big luggage and weighs like two of them. But a handbag with all her "kikay kit" and all? Duh? When I see such, I raise an eyebrow. He makes her so "helpless"!

After having lunch at the nearby mall, Beyotchie and I decided to try on out newly bought nail polish so we hurried to the exit for our ride home. We were caught in human traffic, since malls get really crowded during weekends, much so with the inventory sale going on.

Our path is being blocked by two oldies on sweet date. Then, we halted to give distance. We didn't want to topple the seniors just because we we wanted our nails polished. I was smitten by how sweet they were. They were like looking at each other's eyes and he brushes her hair as he tells her to hold on to him. He was so afraid of loosing her among the youthful crowd. When he looks at her, no one could be much more beautiful. It makes me want to take the next flight home - - -to hold on to his arms to get the same kind of loving gazes.

Then I saw the old he carrying something. He carries her BAG!

...Now, I want to take the next flight out and let him carry me, instead.

blue moon: saw me standing alone

One of the all-time favorite flicks that I share with my sister Hope is Selena's life story. We would sing "Dreaming of You" as though there were no tomorrows. As siblings, we love to share our common interests with each other, just as Selena and her brothers. Aside from its tragic end, I have always appreciated Selena's version of "Blue Moon/We Belong Together" and searched for Vidal Brothers' version of it. The melody is soothing. Makes me wonder how it is like to see the moon turning blue. What really is "Blue Moon" to me, anyway?

I was on my way to work late morning on the last day of the year. On my mobile radio, the news said that it is going to be blue moon tonight. A rare occurrence of time and nature...and on a New Year's eve! Spending the countdown of 2010 with my cousin in the half empty apartment building, its quite a treat to have something to look forward to, somehow.

Our great grandma said, that whoever you are with when the blue moon rises will be the one that you will spend the rest of your life with. Perhaps, not literally though. (Here I go again, justifying the distance ;-)) She might mean that, the person you have in your heart on a blue moon is the person you will be with forerver. For some, this is one of those things that I have in my superstition's box.

Blue moon is a term that people from long ago have coined, not because the moon changes it color from pale yellow light to blue on a particular night, or a result of some ancient voodoo or something to be scared of. Instead, it is the appearance of two full moons in a month. Usually, there is only one, and it used to happen only once every 19 years. Therefore, in one lifetime, one could only witness a few.

There is no blue moon to occur in the next three years. The next spectacle happens to be on my birthday, August 2, 2010 and August 31, 2010. From then on, there won't be any until July 2, 2015 and July 31, 2015. For as long as I can lift my head and see the sky on those triumphant nights, I will see it.

I feel just lucky to know that I can see it up above the sky, and keep in my heart a love of my own.

“…Blue moon, you saw me standing alone
Without a dream in my heart, without a love of my own
Blue moon, you knew just what I was there for
You heard me saying a prayer
For someone I really could care for
And then it suddenly appeared before me
The only one my arms could ever hold
I heard somebody whisper, please adore me
And when I looked the moon had turned to gold…”

hot birth

Admittedly, I have missed blogging on a daily basis. It had been my alternative for the well-published university life. How did the sage of the fire came to be?

For one thing, the bosses are out. I have more leniency to write since the holidays have kept the workplace at a forgiving mode. This little inward necessity met an opportunity.

The words "sage of the fire" came to be during one of the texting sessions I had with my friend, Lala. We were discussing Paulo Coelho's book, "The Witch of Portobello". For at least three of his novels, he had given emphasis on the natural power of consciousness.

In our culture, being a witch is associated with all the dark things of the world. It is having the power to harm -or even to kill others. Therefore, we have concluded that our knowledge of this certain consciousness may be misconstrued if we take the title. Then came the birth of the sages, as we have identified the rest of the elements with a two other friends (whom I would name when the time is right).

Among the elements, the fire is the most misunderstood. Often, it is the enemy before it became a friend to mankind. I remember the story how it was discovered. It was through a lightning that struck a tree. It was feared by many cavesmen because it can ashen everything within target range. Only by accident that it cooked one of the animals that they began to see its advantage. Yet, fire is still feared, for at anytime it may burst into so much larger flames until nothing can extinguish.

The glow of the flame is complex. Chemists had to burn to know. It may pose harm, but only with fire can the passion be kept burning. Searches and researches were made to prove and justify the presence of fire. Many things were associated with it, and many more are being added to share in its glory.

Just like its endless flame, the fire is something we cannot live without.

Love fire.